The sea is home to the weird and wonderful and sometimes the downright bizarre, and the sexual appendages of its residents are no exception to this. We have tracked down the most exotic peckers the watery world has to offer. Not for the faint-hearted. Enjoy!
1. Blue whales: the biggest one of all
The biggest penis of all belongs to the largest animal that has ever lived, the blue whale. The average length of a blue whale penis is 8 feet (2.4 meters) to 10 feet (3 meters. However the average girth is only 300 mm to 360 mm. Its testes alone can weigh up to 150 pounds. The largest blue whale testicle ever found had a capacity of more than 30 gallons. Estimates put that at about 5.4 gallons of spunk every time the massive mammal gets off. Since blue whales don't settle down with one partner, all that liquid might help wash out the leftovers of any previous paramours, increasing the chances the male will be a future father.
Whale penises have so fascinated over the years that Iceland has an actual museum dedicated to its unique collection of our planet's largest marine mammals' appendages
2. .Barnacles : the largest cock-to-body ratio
Barnacles have the largest penis-to-body ratio. For their size, they actually have the largest penis in the world (up to 8 times their body length). Barnacles are not as mobile as fish, so they have had to get creative with their reproduction. Many species of barnacles are hermaphroditic (create both eggs and sperm) and will reproduce by pseudo-copulation. This means the male just gropes around with his penis until he finds another barnacle within reach (sounds similar to some humans I know…) and then will toss some sperm into the other barnacle’s mantle cavity and, tada! Fertilization is done. Interestingly, Scientists have found that penis shapes vary and are correlated to the strength of breaking waves. That is to say that larger barnacles that are in the passage of waves have disproportionately stouter penises, whereas where the waves are weaker, the penises may be longer (but thinner). Owing to the ever-changing wave conditions on rocky shores, intertidal barnacles seem to have acquired the capacity to change the size and shape of their penises to suit local conditions.
3. Dolphins: the prehensile one
Dolphins are known for their intelligence, promiscuity and absurdly agile penises. They have a prehensile penis, meaning it can swivel on itself, prod and move like a tongue, some articles even claim it can grab and grope, though the scientific accuracy of this statement has been put in doubt by the reliability of its sources. This dexterous penis helps males navigate the complex, labyrinth-like reproductive tracts of female dolphins. Dolphins are well known for having sex for pleasure with members of either sex. In fact, they often have same-sex orgies. Foreplay can last a while but the actual sex usually only lasts 10 seconds, on the upside males can ejaculate several times an hour (without napping in between). They are also known for having coercive sex with females, with gangs of males occasionally attacking a lone female (not the cute 'Flipper' you thought they were).
4. Flatworms: the sword
Like many organisms with exotic phalluses, flatworms that engage in penis fights are hermaphrodites—another example of how a sex binary system fails to account for the range, fluidity and diversity of many creatures in the animal kingdom. Some species of flatworms engage in this dick duel to see who gets to fertilize the other. Their two-headed penises resemble tiny swords, and battles can last for up to an hour as they take turns attempting to stab the other( talk about long and rough foreplay). The winner pierces the other flatworm's flesh to deposit their sperm, in what is called “traumatic insemination" (the scientific term).In certain cases, mating can be competitive, with only one flatworm inseminating another. In other cases, like with the tiger flatworm, they can play both roles: each flatworm gives and receives sperm from its partner in a game of mutual penetration that makes you wonder and marvel about the quality of their sex life.
5. Nudibranchs: A whole coil of cocks
For certain types of Nudis (Chromodoris reticulata) sex means saying goodbye to their penis, but that's totally fine since they have a whole roll of other ones at the ready. Chromodoris reticulata are hermaphrodites and fertilize each other simultaneously during sex. Each has a three-centimetre-long member, but they only extend one centimetre of it when copulating. After sex, they 'chuck' their single-use penis into the ocean’s abyss. But losing their member does not remotely worry them since they have at least two more disposable penis 'segments' stashed away in their 'coil of cocks'. Not 24 hours have passed and they have a brand spanking new penis and are again ready for action.
6. Octopuses: The detachable one
In some species of cephalopods, the females' only contact with the male side is with their penises! The penis literally detaches itself from the male body and copulates the female... Cephalopod penises are named hectocotylus, even when they are not removable - like for squids and cuttlefish. It is the third tentacle on the right of the male that is modified in various ways for the ability to fertilize the female's eggs and to store spermatophores ( sperm cells). Depending on the species, after one mating, and the loss of its hectocotylus, the male won't be able to copulate again till the next season, when a new hectocotylus re-grows. Or, in common octopuses, males die within a few months after mating, without regenerating another hectocotylus. Sometimes, the hectocotylus can even lose its tentacle form and the males of those species seem to have only seven tentacles. In Argonauta octopuses, the much smaller male does not even approach the female. When the spermatophores are formed, the hectocotylus breaks off from the male while away from the female, heading towards her and entering alone into her mantle cavity to copulate!
Further reading
If like me and Marah J. Hardt, you find the sex lives of sea creatures fascinating, here is more to feed your soul :
Her amazing book: Sex in the Sea: Our Intimate Connection with Sex-Changing Fish, Romantic Lobsters, Kinky Squid, and Other Salty Erotica of the Deep by Marah J Hardt
Our related blogs: Do nudibranchs have the best sex lives of all? or not?
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