Warning: another complete random nonsense rant, not an ounce of seriousness or real information in this post. Read at your own risk.
Ah, a diving holiday, sea, sun tropical waters, a fun activity to meet the man or woman of your dreams. Or is it?
Will you be able to woo and seduce them during a diving holiday? Now, if you’d said skiing or surfing or horseback riding holiday, I’d have said yes, no doubt about it. But diving, well, it’s just not that easy to pull during diving activities (though it gets easier when you’re blind drunk at the bar later but there wouldn’t be a blog post if I’d just stuck to that). Why you say? Well, here are a few things that make it a tad harder to score when diving than when, say, freediving.
Side note: If this is coming from too much of a heterocentric perspective, I apologise now, I clearly mean to embrace all of us, we are all just as able to be crap at doing the seduction thing whilst diving (plus I’m only heterosexual on weekends). There also still tends to be a slight majority of heterosexuals, though so many people are still in the closet this may yet change yet when they all finally come out.
# The elegance of the penguin
First off, let’s face it, divers look naf. They do, I’m sorry no one has ever looked clever or cool in diving gear. Face it, lads, it’s a reality, take those ego glasses off. You look like a twat. Big tank on the back, penguin feet, the agility of a turtle, the grace of a hippopotamus, mask hiding half your face, regulator hiding the other, BCD hiding any shapes you may have, it’s just not sexy. Except for going practically naked (trust me some have, I have a photographic proof, ask Helene but it'll cost ya...) in the hope of some kind of sex appeal, there is no chance in hell you are going to look in any way suave or attractive. Sorry.
# Snotface beauty and flasher appeal
There is also the ever so charming glob of phlegm on your nose, which clearly makes you instantly desirable. The flash your tits/Fanny thing whilst pulling off your wetsuit is not, as some might think, much of a turn on for most. The headless creature with swinging tits is quite an acquired taste. Though if you are into kinkier stuff (gimp suit, anyone?) it may just work for you. If you’re just a good old vanilla type though, it’s probably not going to score you many points on the attractiveness scale.
# The legitimate hate for the freediving nymph/seagod
Bitch! Here you are sitting around trying to look captivating and beguiling during your safety stop. Trying to look less like a weird mechanical penguin and more like an irresistible mermaid/man, when an apparition floats by, full of grace and glory. Tiny cute mask, smiling mouth you can actually see, clad in the sexiest of rubber wetsuits, long fins making her/him look like something of a nymph/ sea god, the bitch/bastard freediver steals all the gazes and hearts. S/he glides past, unburdened by a clunky tank, all elegance and beauty. All eyes turn, the spell is cast, the scuba diver remains in the darkness to the side, alone, unwanted. And the worst part is free divers are really hard to drown – not that I’ve tried or anything.
Note: to all my freediving friends you know I’m just jealous.
# Techy maidens or robocop in drag?
Ah the incredible, unrivalled sexiness of the tech get up. For one, your potential love mate will not be sure if you are woman, man or machine. It’s just not that obvious at times if there is actually any flesh at all under the gear. Then they will marvel at your feminine form under those 5 tanks. The incredible attractiveness of seeing a tiny woman lugging twinsets around like she’s dragging a corpse is usually a big turn on too (though I know hit women who drag corpses elegantly- killing people is clearly a better activity for flirting). If they fall in love with you when tech diving, you know they love you for your what’s inside (or they just want you as an assistant on their next hit job).
# The sexiness of the regulator smile
Yes, ladies and gentlemen this is the one time when sucking on something does not make you sexy.
# The enthralling scent of old dog and stale wee
To top it all off after diving you smell a bit. You have that damp wetsuit wet dog hum. Even if you don’t wee in your wetsuit (liar) you still have that sports bag/locker room aroma. Not really a turn on for most.
# Conclusion - the happy ending
All this does not mean you’re not going to pull. Nooo, it means you’re going to do what all scuba divers have done since the dawn of time, you’re going to have a shower, get into some sexy clothes, clean the snot of your face and put some deodorant on and go down to the beach bar to get wasted and, alleluia, get some action. And if you can remember their name the next day, you’re onto a winner. Ahhh, romance. (If you're really successful you may even try scuba sex at some point, though beware , it could be hairy...)
# Second conclusion - the moral of the story
If you're now rethinking going diving on your next holiday, don't. Diving is about having a laugh, meeting cool people, not taking onself too seriously and enjoying the immense wonders of the underwater realm. Leave the getting laid for the bar later!
# Final conclusion: the mysterious fact revealed thanks to this post
If you were wondering why scuba divers get drunk and freedivers don’t; well, there you have it. Scuba divers would be a dying breed if they didn’t get drunk, never managing to mate. They have to get plastered for the survival of the species. Mystery finally solved.
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